This set was my motivation for a change in direction in regards to how I share my work with others. These photos were all taken on a gray and rainy day down at Queen's Quay and Ward's Island. I was out shooting with my friend Kevin; I was out shooting looking to get away from other things on my mind.
Heartbreak and lost love are a recurring theme across most creative mediums. A lot of the greatest stories ever told have been love stories and many of them tragic love stories without the happily ever after that Disney has taught us is always there. My story doesn't have a happily ever after, at least not yet and definitely not with the girl in question. Fact is my story is probably incomplete, and there's a good chance it will remain so, because I don't know that I'll ever get to ask the questions that I want to ask, or that I'll get to say the things I feel like I need to say to her in order to completely let it go. I’m also pretty sure what the answers would be to my comments. “It’s not you, it’s me.” True? Maybe, maybe not, but it’s something people say that’s meant to ease the blow. Somehow it rings hollow. But I guess I'm not alone in being left with things to say and no one to say it to and that's how I found myself headed to Toronto's islands and shooting pictures of empty benches and chairs.
These pictures speak to me on more than one level. On the surface they seem to be just quiet, contemplative places to go, sit down and give thought to the past, the present, the future. They exist as space waiting to be inhabited. Looking at those chairs above begs the viewer to put people in them and who you have sitting there probably says a lot about who/what is important to you. For me I look at it and I see me and her sitting there. Then she fades away and I'm left sitting there alone.
On another level I look at these empty seats and it speaks to an immense loneliness that's weighed heavily on me since she left me. These seem like spots that once played host to long meaningful conversations and even more meaningful silences. In the above photo, she's sitting right beside me, her hand in mine, head resting on my shoulder, just enjoying the presence of each other, the heat of her hand wrapped in mine. I'd place a soft kiss on her forehead and then whisper in her ear how much she meant to me...
Things like this I have vivid dreams of. I still have vivid memories of what she felt like curled up in my arms. I thought she was the perfect fit. She would bury her head in my chest and the look up at me with those big beautiful eyes, flash that smile as bright as sunshine and I couldn't help but kiss her when she'd share with me that special look that I thought was just for me. These are things I can dream about in exquisite and painful detail. I don't sleep well as a result and then I wake up in the morning, the one time I'd rather think of anything else and there she is front and center in my thoughts. I carry that with me through my day and it pushes me to sets like this.
Now look, I’m just writing a blog and it sounds like I’m really idealizing my relationship with this girl and on some levels you’re right, I am. But I’m not some love sick fool who’s completely oblivious to some of the reasons why she’s gone, why it didn’t work. I’m not writing this as a means to show her how much I care, or point out how important she was/is to me. She knows. This isn’t some lame duck attempt to win back her affections. This is just throwing creations and ideas out to the universe. This is the unburdening of a conflicted man, a man who doesn’t really know how to process heartbreak and heartache. Hopefully people read this and they can relate to these feelings, maybe send some good vibes out there for me and I’ll send some back for you. Maybe someone else reads this and shoots me an email (info at the bottom of this post) and tells me their story and in that shared experience we find some healing.
The other question worth asking is, was it her or was it the idea? In the midst of the most difficult year of my life, she was a beacon to me, somebody who melted away the anger, the trepidation and made me believe that someone could legitimately care for me and more importantly that I could legitimately care for someone else myself. A friend of mine told me that even though it’s hurting right now, that I have to view it as a gift, knowing that I could feel strongly enough about someone to feel this hurt. There’s a very bittersweet truth to that axiom and it certainly comes as cold comfort at the moment. The real trick for me is to harness that negative energy, to take it and make something of it, use it to make myself a better person. Go out and shoot, write, create and grow as an artist.
I’ll probably add to this collection of pictures. There’s something very appealing to me about them. While it may seem like I’m torturing myself, taking pictures and imagining myself sitting with her on these empty benches and in these empty chairs, to me it will always be a reminder and a measurement of where I am in my life moving forward. One day I’ll look at these pictures and just see myself sitting there alone, happy. Later on down the road I’ll see them and see me and someone new, and further down our kids sitting in our laps, then our grandkids, then just the two us in our old age. Those empty benches and chairs will always be there, who fills that space is entirely the product of my minds eye.
I’m going to add one last note to what has become a fairly lengthy post. And this last point isn’t about her, it isn’t about my relationship with her or specifically how I’m feeling about that. It only ties into this because of something I once said to her. My creative energy comes from the negative things in my life, the general lack of satisfaction I have with the place I find myself in. Late one night lying in bed discussing why I should get out and shoot more I said to her, “I’d rather be happy and never create another thing then to be miserable and be wildly successful as an artist.” Hopefully it comes to pass one day that I don’t need to create anymore.
As always, I appreciate any and all feedback I can get. Whether it's on my photos, my artwork, my writing or you just want to say hey what's up. Send me an email at Christopher.b.bell@gmail.com.
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